To Make A Beginning

What can you do if you admit, however reluctantly, that sex and love addiction might be the problem, instead of the lack of ‘enough’ or the ‘right kind’ of sex or love partner?

As in alcoholism, the mental obsession that leads to a return over and over to the destructive pattern can only be broken by a willingness to turn to some power outside oneself for help. It is usually only when the pain seems itself life- threatening that consciousness can be achieved and maintained.

First you must face honestly that it is not simply the other person; but primarily the neediness inside yourself that is the real source of the terrible pain. If you have doubts, the quickest way to determine if this program is for you is to try to stop the pattern abruptly and for a reasonably long period, say for a few weeks or months.

Generally, intense longing and anxiety emerges and continues to grow. This will usually be coupled with failure of the resolve to live in accordance with consistent values and without self-destructive entanglements. If this happens, little doubt should be left about the seriousness and hopelessness of the problem.

The admission that one is powerless over the compulsive need for sex and/or ‘romance’ is obviously not one that is easy to make! Like other addictive ’surrenders: this one usually comes as the victim finds life narrowing down more and more to relationships or situations that seem only to bring increasing pain, while promising fulfilment that seems ever elusively just out of reach. The ability to see the downward progression and the loss of power to halt or reverse the trend is vital before the humility to seek help outside oneself becomes possible.

This dilemma in admitting powerlessness was shattering to those of us reaching it. The unfamiliarity of the idea that we could use sex itself or a ‘lover’ like a drug, coupled with the horrifying implications of having to stop, put those of us reaching this desperate point into a state of absolute panic. Some of us considered suicide, or feared that we were on the verge of irrevocably losing our sanity.

The suffering and pain of our ongoing addictive lives seemed matched by terror of the emptiness which would surely be ours if we stopped. We could understand how an alcoholic could get along without drinking, or how a gambler could live without gambling, even though the world is full of cocktail parties and wagers. But who ever ,heard of doing without love and sex?! What else could be worth living for? Would we have to become hermits or monks?

Fortunately much of this sense of confounding panic was the addiction itself talking. No addict finds it easy to imagine any kind of life minus the thing that has become so important in giving a sense of identity. It does not seem possible, let alone desirable.

Yet the reality is that there are real kinds of love and use of sexual capacities which are totally different in their nature from our self-centred and self-destructive patterns as sex and love addicts!

The beginning is simple, but not easy. The admission of powerlessness has to be coupled with a readiness to break the addictive pattern; to stay away from all sexual activity except that which would be worked out in a committed, continuing relationship. If, at the point of surrender, there is no positive relationship left toward which to build, a period of total sexual abstinence is called for.

This withdrawal from sexual and romantic entanglements generally brings symptoms just as physical and as painful as the withdrawal from drugs or alcohol. On our own the tension would be too much, the temptation to indulge just one more time would be unbearable, and the belief that there could be another way to live would weaken.

The understanding and support of others who have gone through the pain and trials of withdrawal help us through this period. Even with the aid of the fellowship, the subtlety with which the compulsion alters our thinking, and the ease with which rationalization creeps in, aided by a society that idolizes sex and romance, is astounding. It cannot be endured without constant vigilance and the help of a power beyond ourselves.

When the immediate anxiety of withdrawal begins to ease, careful attention to the Twelve Steps is needed to prevent a return to addictive behaviour. As in alcoholism, we believe that sex and love addiction is a three-fold illness: physical, mental, and spiritual. Recovery in all three areas is necessary if we are to achieve comfortable, long-term sexual and emotional sobriety.

This first period of abstinence serves as a catalyst for self-confrontation, facing the feelings that necessarily come out when the source of blotting them out is removed. Since this is tantamount to coming to grips with our whole sense of identity and our whole way of relating to the world, the process can be painful and difficult.

Some members seek professional help with this self-inventory, as well as using the Twelve Steps. However it is done, this process of self-confrontation and willingness to change is a pre-condition for readiness for a ‘true partnership’ relationship with another human being, or for a contented life alone.

 

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